Focus on the Family Community: Relationships and Marriage ...

Debrajoe,

Thanks so much for your post. Know that our hearts go out to you as you seek to follow the Lord through faithfulness to your marriage covenant. It's a challenge when a spouse comes forward and says the unity we had was not real. It can certainly create a variety of strong emotions. I'm Glenn, a counselor here at Focus on the Family.

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It does appear that your husband's views are less theological in nature and more attributable to relational and psychological dynamics. I think you're very likely right in believing that he has strong loyalty to his father's views. It may be very difficult for him to disagree with his father. Unfortunately, some people see holding different views as a sign of disloyalty and dishonor of a parent. It can get jumbled together when it comes to a person's view of his heaven Father and earthly dad.

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Colossians 2:16 says, "Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day." Paul appears to be saying that there are differences between believers, and judgments for or against a tradition should not be a dividing line of Christian fellowship. As misguided as you might perceive your husband's view to be, he is entitled to view it as he does. Where it becomes a bit more challenging is when he tries to get you to abide by his standards. I don't think you necessarily just cave in to him in the name of marital submission. If you did that you would probably very quickly resent him. He needs to recognize that you are very much entitled to operate from the Spirit of God's work in your heart. Though it may look like godly submission to follow each of his directives, one issue that your husband may need to grapple with is the place of emotional control in his life. Is it possible that his father lived from the standpoint of "believe what I say or you will not have my support"? Simply enabling your husband to continue in that vein may look right, but is not honoring to God. That doesn't mean that there may not be some legitimate steps that you could take on his behalf. If pork isn't a big deal for you, maybe you don't prepare it for meals. You can make some choices that respect him without surrendering your beliefs to him on every front.

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When spouses experience doctrinal differences, it is so easy to get focused on the places they don't line up and overlook the many that they do see similarly. I would suggest that you, or both of you, sit down and write out the many areas you do agree.

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No doubt, this is a challenging area for the two of you. God can give you His grace to love each other in spite of these differences. There is a deeper refining work in us that God desires to do even when our marriages experience difficulties. You might take a look at a couple of books. The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller, and Lee Strobel's Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch might give you some added insights.

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If your husband isn't willing to sit down with a third person, it does make it very difficult. We would be honored if you gave us a call to speak with one of our counselors. Obviously, it's not an easy issue and the appropriate application of submission is crucial. It would be our privilege to talk further with you.

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May you sense God's deep and abiding love in your heart each day! Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Glenn, LMFT

Focus on the Family counselor

Source: http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/thread/25518

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